Where are you?
Mum’s the Word
A million miles,
a million more shatters;
so much to say,
yet staying mum is the way.
I wish I could talk it out,
release all of it without any doubts.
But deep down, I know what it’ll be about,
“So, let’s just stay mum,” I vowed.
Screaming inside, all I want to do is shout.
”I want to make it so badly!”,
just break free and make it finally.
And then, slam my head brutally.
I wondered what my second post would be like here in this new home. Contemplating on how much to say, not to say..ah the usual contemplation that comes with blogging, I guess.
But then, one morning on Tuesday, I had a moment to myself while waiting for food ready for takeaway after my weekly acupuncture session and for some reason, I decided to go through past notes I had written and saved for no one to read (not even considering that I will ever read it).
This is possibly that part of who am I going to be on this website - or rather how much do I want to bare it all. In other words, how dark should I go?
While sifting through the notes, I had forgotten or maybe purposely pushed the thought of how much sorrow I had expressed in all my notes in the last year or so. So much breaking points that it made me thought perhaps deep down, despite feeling so bleak, there’s always a single thread of hope.
Thin, worn out, at the brink of tearing single thread.
Maybe that’s why I had refrained myself from writing in a blog for so long. I didn’t want to be defined for being dark but in the last few months, I have also come to a point that dark is going to be part of me regardless.
Writing has that affect of bringing out the melancholic side of me no matter what the circumstances are.
It’s a jungle in that darkness.
My doodle however displays a variation of colours and depth to whatever mood I was in at the time of doodling. Yet, I also admit, apart from me, my doodles would likely serve as a wall between how I truly feel deep inside and putting an arm’s length with people around me about what’s been simmering all along.
It’s not something I deliberately want to do, hide my emotions but in many ways, protecting myself from receiving judgments or answering 1001 questions that I fear may scare people away.
Not that being who I am is already a sore thumb as it is.
Having said that, I don’t hide how I feel. Not since 2009. However, I’m mighty aware of how much I would divulge.
I think I’ve been spending quite a number of weeks now to truly dissect what’s boiling inside. A good thing but also taking so much of my energy to diffuse and reset that by the end of it, I just feel so tired and doze off.
Learning a little bit more; digging deeper and asking myself questions about what’s really happening. Self reflection is a path I’m so used to when I know, at the end of the day, all I have is myself. I can only count on myself so best to be truthful than not.
And so I did.
A realisation hit me this morning out of nowhere while reading. Some very defining bits I thought I had sorted way back then post-therapy have reappeared. Or to be more precise, evolved, manifested and seeping through so many layers I wouldn’t have recognised had I not accepted going through this slow healing process.
Knowing one’s self worth hasn’t been an issue for me since I completed my therapy. I had very low self esteem, to a point I think it might be negative even. Then, I worked hard to build it up. I know who I am and very aware of it but when situations keep barging in, bulldozing relentlessly, I suppose, even the Great Wall of China can crack too.
Devastating to have to deal with this part again after knowing that I had sort this part of me already. Worked so hard at it and then, realised, damn it -it’s back, back again. Just not as destructive as it once was.
A sliver of hope. B a r e l y .
I kept telling myself, reminding myself the good things whenever I hit low. Words from my ex therapist on the day I met her before I left to pursue my studies kept ringing in my ear.
“You went through rock bottom when you met me and you know know what it was like, right?
“Yeah..”
“You remember how you were like back then?”
I nodded.
“Trust that whatever comes after this, you can handle it. You came out from that dark place and here you are. Always remind yourself what you need to do, tools and methods to use whenever a wave hits.” she said as a matter of fact.
It’s those words that might’ve been the single thread that I kept holding on to get up. Maybe? Probably so.
It’s having to deal with all this, doing all these to reset and diffuse my thoughts and emotions that kept making me wanting to sleep so much. More so in the last two weeks. I wasn’t sure if I was slipping or this is the path I need to take to heal. Then, there’s a voice in my head telling me I need to do this. I need to go through this. As exhausting as it is and appalling, it’s a necessary step for whatever reason the universe happen to write.
And so, I trust that voice of reason I have kept with me for the last twelve years. The rock that has kept me alive and indeed the reason I am still breathing today.
Music of the day
